one bad month?

hi I haven’t been on at ages, it has been one feck of a month. my sister is in prosion for 6 months and somehow I think its my fault I didn’t protect her like an older sister should have and I just feel like I let her down also my grandad just his copd is getting worse and I work know but that makes me feel bad because I should be looking after him and I feel selfish for having my time when out and about also I just feel what if this be his last Christmas with use then I wont have the person I care about the most how gives me a porpoise to be around . So yh its been really bad for my bpd is playing up I hate eating it makes me feel sick and I hate who I am and what I look like I wish I could be pretty but I need more then luck or money to even look half dissent if you know what I mean. P.s my nan brock her wrist and I wish I could make her feel better but I can’t at the moment I cant seem to do anything right atm I wish I could be a better person, one that does not hate everything about myself I feel like its my fault nan is in pain because I think if I didn’t ask her to come to church with me at night she wouldn’t have fell other. Yes I know the would doesn’t work like that and I don’t control life or bring negativity or bad luck its just one of those things you cant control but I still wonder what if. I hope everyone is enjoying Christmas shopping or just celebrating in whatever I hope you all is well?

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big advent!

Hey its me I don’t know why but I am busy lately. The last two weeks, know its Monday and I have had my 24th birthday last Sunday. Which I ended up going to church in the morning after church and finished my studying for my conformation which was this Sunday. Anyway as it had finished we can relax know after two busy weeks with nothing planned till Christmas.

On my birthday my grandad cooked me Chinese which was sweet and sour chicken with egg fried rice and vegetable spring rolls, after dinner we had leman cake which was lovely and I opened my cards and pressies then I went to bed for the night.

As my conformation day was a arriving and it was a long preparing day, I got my nails done and hair and makeup done and my friend carol picked me up and we left for church. it was a lovely night with friend’s and family for the advent and I truly apricate everyone who showed up, there was so much love and support there which was a wonderful time and looking forward to my future know and a more positive person hopefully.

thank you for everything !

Dear brain;

dear brain;
Why can’t you work like a normal brain, why do you make me feel like it’s my fault or I am a failure all the time? I have been here for 23 years and yet I don’t know why I am still here or gone I hate my life at times I don’t know when I am happy I feel guilty but when I am sad it is normal, you see my dad left when I was born and my mum meet a new man and moved in with him he always attack us if we did something he didn’t like but its okay know after a year me and my sister moved in with grandad and it was okay until his new wife and him got separated and left with her two children but I am now 23 years old and still close with grandad and that but I mostly keep myself to myself which is not bad but I prefer it to hang out with people so I don’t let them in or really trust many people these days. When all you want is to let people in and not to treat people rubbish and to not push everyone away who I would like to stay…

Note from when I was in the hospital:
I won’t tell you that self-harming is wrong or that you are being selfish, stupid or even bad because you are none of those things people say you are, you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know yet sometimes I don’t recognise to the person I see in the mirror.
Someone that wakes up every day and wears a fake smile eve knows all you want to do is break down in tears. P.s. this is an illness called borderline personality disorder it’s not what makes you-you make you not the illness and it will get better in time, it might not feel it at the time but one day you be happy and I mean really happy that you didn’t hurt yourself because you might have a family that loves you for you or married or pass college, education or driving.or even learning to love yourself and treating yourself as an imported person that deserves love like evey other being on the planit.
I have been told one day of happy bets ten days of sadness and I want you to promise me, that one day to keep a picture of one thing that makes you happy and we can look at it in the future when its hard to handle and know that its only a blip and one day you e happy again. And I will always be proud of you.

Your Sincerely, someone you know?

In a life with BPD

Hey my laptop is kinda broken the keyboard keys are on with bluetack with is the story of life slowly breaking into pieces. It has been a long week but soon the weekend as I do nothing apart from staying I and watching Netflix, but today t work it was ok for a small period I felt important and needed and I was happy, my therapist thinking of discharging me and I am not sure how I feel I am worried that once they do people think I am better or fixed but I know I am not every day is a new day and different challenges like right know I am writing this in the dark because I was fed up with the lightbolb. Allso, I woke up with a bruise on my arm from having another night terror which I don’t remember having but grandad said he heard me shouting and moving around he apparently shouted but I did not reply so he know I was having another one and left me alone till I snapped out of it. I wish I know how to stop them forever but they say it not that easy. do you ever have moments when you hate yourself everything about you makes you feel sick but then one day it is rear but I think to myself I am ok, not perfect but okay and I like to say even know its really hard but just write three things you did or what you felt positive during the day because even if you or others by its silly the simple stuff like getting up, eating or bathing or even going outside are little things but turn into one big thing at the end of the week and when you write it down you can look at it whenever and you could see even when its hard you did something positive. Remember if you won’t you could talk to me and we could help each other because even know I am okay today I know maybe tomorrow won’t be so lucky but remember everyone is beautiful and smart in every way possible and I am here if you would like me to be?

food

Hey, I had therapy yesterday so this is late, but she is trying to encourage me with my health inside and out. she told me to write three things I have done that day, so I know even if its a mall thing I still achieved it. also, it has been a month since I last self-harmed and got help for my eating disorder which they could be linked with my bpd, but yesterday was a difficult day at work, I was on my lunch back hoping no one would see me or come in but five minutes into eating they came in and saw me eating and yes my anxiety kicked me in the face and all a sounder I was eating slower and left it till they left again because I felt bad for eating and I don’t know why?
one day I hope it goes away and I could be seen to myself normal and feeling okay to eat again.

work

Why, is it whenever I have an anxiety attack I forget all about it in ten minutes. this is abit random and not on my topic but I am thinking there will be a storm later in the UK. Anyway, I just came out of the hospital in June, I have just started working in the YMCA cafe there buy.
My manager was asking me how they know what the signs when I have an anxiety episode when they were asking me, and all my head was telling me is it real, imagery or they just asking so they could get rid of me but try not to hurt my feeling. I hate that I can’t trust or rely on people or let them in I feel so useless that it can’t do the most simple tasks that everyone does is letting people in and trusting the right kind of people. Also, I hate explaining myself for that reason and I just want that part not in my life but I am starting to realise it never goes away or judged buy every move or thing I do that day. I am not sure if anyone could relate or if it just messed up in the head or a bit of both.

judging

Have you ever wondered what happens to you once you pass away or if anyone would care if you wee here or not?
But I wasn’t sure what to say but here we go a quote I have liked lately, Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage by Nicholas Murray Butler. As I said this has made me think about how we never believe in ourselves and want to be like other people in a world with internet and television and this design you have to be perfect everyday like if you wear makeup you look trashy or is you wear none then they think you are depressed and don’t care about yourself, tight clothes means your a slat or unfitting clothes mean you are gay or trans or fat because it means you eat to mush or skinny because that means you don’t eat at all and etc. Why should it be like this, we should feel pressured to do something just because the world tells you to be that way.
I think if we are happy and healthy why should it matter what we look like or act, so just be yourself because that what hames you a great person and beautiful as well because we all are in our own way. I am one of these people who do this judging myself and others so i should take this advise and make myself a better a person for my friends and family.