one bad month?

hi I haven’t been on at ages, it has been one feck of a month. my sister is in prosion for 6 months and somehow I think its my fault I didn’t protect her like an older sister should have and I just feel like I let her down also my grandad just his copd is getting worse and I work know but that makes me feel bad because I should be looking after him and I feel selfish for having my time when out and about also I just feel what if this be his last Christmas with use then I wont have the person I care about the most how gives me a porpoise to be around . So yh its been really bad for my bpd is playing up I hate eating it makes me feel sick and I hate who I am and what I look like I wish I could be pretty but I need more then luck or money to even look half dissent if you know what I mean. P.s my nan brock her wrist and I wish I could make her feel better but I can’t at the moment I cant seem to do anything right atm I wish I could be a better person, one that does not hate everything about myself I feel like its my fault nan is in pain because I think if I didn’t ask her to come to church with me at night she wouldn’t have fell other. Yes I know the would doesn’t work like that and I don’t control life or bring negativity or bad luck its just one of those things you cant control but I still wonder what if. I hope everyone is enjoying Christmas shopping or just celebrating in whatever I hope you all is well?

work

Why, is it whenever I have an anxiety attack I forget all about it in ten minutes. this is abit random and not on my topic but I am thinking there will be a storm later in the UK. Anyway, I just came out of the hospital in June, I have just started working in the YMCA cafe there buy.
My manager was asking me how they know what the signs when I have an anxiety episode when they were asking me, and all my head was telling me is it real, imagery or they just asking so they could get rid of me but try not to hurt my feeling. I hate that I can’t trust or rely on people or let them in I feel so useless that it can’t do the most simple tasks that everyone does is letting people in and trusting the right kind of people. Also, I hate explaining myself for that reason and I just want that part not in my life but I am starting to realise it never goes away or judged buy every move or thing I do that day. I am not sure if anyone could relate or if it just messed up in the head or a bit of both.

judging

Have you ever wondered what happens to you once you pass away or if anyone would care if you wee here or not?
But I wasn’t sure what to say but here we go a quote I have liked lately, Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage by Nicholas Murray Butler. As I said this has made me think about how we never believe in ourselves and want to be like other people in a world with internet and television and this design you have to be perfect everyday like if you wear makeup you look trashy or is you wear none then they think you are depressed and don’t care about yourself, tight clothes means your a slat or unfitting clothes mean you are gay or trans or fat because it means you eat to mush or skinny because that means you don’t eat at all and etc. Why should it be like this, we should feel pressured to do something just because the world tells you to be that way.
I think if we are happy and healthy why should it matter what we look like or act, so just be yourself because that what hames you a great person and beautiful as well because we all are in our own way. I am one of these people who do this judging myself and others so i should take this advise and make myself a better a person for my friends and family.