hi I haven’t been on at ages, it has been one feck of a month. my sister is in prosion for 6 months and somehow I think its my fault I didn’t protect her like an older sister should have and I just feel like I let her down also my grandad just his copd is getting worse and I work know but that makes me feel bad because I should be looking after him and I feel selfish for having my time when out and about also I just feel what if this be his last Christmas with use then I wont have the person I care about the most how gives me a porpoise to be around . So yh its been really bad for my bpd is playing up I hate eating it makes me feel sick and I hate who I am and what I look like I wish I could be pretty but I need more then luck or money to even look half dissent if you know what I mean. P.s my nan brock her wrist and I wish I could make her feel better but I can’t at the moment I cant seem to do anything right atm I wish I could be a better person, one that does not hate everything about myself I feel like its my fault nan is in pain because I think if I didn’t ask her to come to church with me at night she wouldn’t have fell other. Yes I know the would doesn’t work like that and I don’t control life or bring negativity or bad luck its just one of those things you cant control but I still wonder what if. I hope everyone is enjoying Christmas shopping or just celebrating in whatever I hope you all is well?
Tag: caring
big advent!
Hey its me I don’t know why but I am busy lately. The last two weeks, know its Monday and I have had my 24th birthday last Sunday. Which I ended up going to church in the morning after church and finished my studying for my conformation which was this Sunday. Anyway as it had finished we can relax know after two busy weeks with nothing planned till Christmas.
On my birthday my grandad cooked me Chinese which was sweet and sour chicken with egg fried rice and vegetable spring rolls, after dinner we had leman cake which was lovely and I opened my cards and pressies then I went to bed for the night.
As my conformation day was a arriving and it was a long preparing day, I got my nails done and hair and makeup done and my friend carol picked me up and we left for church. it was a lovely night with friend’s and family for the advent and I truly apricate everyone who showed up, there was so much love and support there which was a wonderful time and looking forward to my future know and a more positive person hopefully.
thank you for everything !
In a life with BPD
Hey my laptop is kinda broken the keyboard keys are on with bluetack with is the story of life slowly breaking into pieces. It has been a long week but soon the weekend as I do nothing apart from staying I and watching Netflix, but today t work it was ok for a small period I felt important and needed and I was happy, my therapist thinking of discharging me and I am not sure how I feel I am worried that once they do people think I am better or fixed but I know I am not every day is a new day and different challenges like right know I am writing this in the dark because I was fed up with the lightbolb. Allso, I woke up with a bruise on my arm from having another night terror which I don’t remember having but grandad said he heard me shouting and moving around he apparently shouted but I did not reply so he know I was having another one and left me alone till I snapped out of it. I wish I know how to stop them forever but they say it not that easy. do you ever have moments when you hate yourself everything about you makes you feel sick but then one day it is rear but I think to myself I am ok, not perfect but okay and I like to say even know its really hard but just write three things you did or what you felt positive during the day because even if you or others by its silly the simple stuff like getting up, eating or bathing or even going outside are little things but turn into one big thing at the end of the week and when you write it down you can look at it whenever and you could see even when its hard you did something positive. Remember if you won’t you could talk to me and we could help each other because even know I am okay today I know maybe tomorrow won’t be so lucky but remember everyone is beautiful and smart in every way possible and I am here if you would like me to be?
