Dear brain;

dear brain;
Why can’t you work like a normal brain, why do you make me feel like it’s my fault or I am a failure all the time? I have been here for 23 years and yet I don’t know why I am still here or gone I hate my life at times I don’t know when I am happy I feel guilty but when I am sad it is normal, you see my dad left when I was born and my mum meet a new man and moved in with him he always attack us if we did something he didn’t like but its okay know after a year me and my sister moved in with grandad and it was okay until his new wife and him got separated and left with her two children but I am now 23 years old and still close with grandad and that but I mostly keep myself to myself which is not bad but I prefer it to hang out with people so I don’t let them in or really trust many people these days. When all you want is to let people in and not to treat people rubbish and to not push everyone away who I would like to stay…

Note from when I was in the hospital:
I won’t tell you that self-harming is wrong or that you are being selfish, stupid or even bad because you are none of those things people say you are, you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know yet sometimes I don’t recognise to the person I see in the mirror.
Someone that wakes up every day and wears a fake smile eve knows all you want to do is break down in tears. P.s. this is an illness called borderline personality disorder it’s not what makes you-you make you not the illness and it will get better in time, it might not feel it at the time but one day you be happy and I mean really happy that you didn’t hurt yourself because you might have a family that loves you for you or married or pass college, education or driving.or even learning to love yourself and treating yourself as an imported person that deserves love like evey other being on the planit.
I have been told one day of happy bets ten days of sadness and I want you to promise me, that one day to keep a picture of one thing that makes you happy and we can look at it in the future when its hard to handle and know that its only a blip and one day you e happy again. And I will always be proud of you.

Your Sincerely, someone you know?

work

Why, is it whenever I have an anxiety attack I forget all about it in ten minutes. this is abit random and not on my topic but I am thinking there will be a storm later in the UK. Anyway, I just came out of the hospital in June, I have just started working in the YMCA cafe there buy.
My manager was asking me how they know what the signs when I have an anxiety episode when they were asking me, and all my head was telling me is it real, imagery or they just asking so they could get rid of me but try not to hurt my feeling. I hate that I can’t trust or rely on people or let them in I feel so useless that it can’t do the most simple tasks that everyone does is letting people in and trusting the right kind of people. Also, I hate explaining myself for that reason and I just want that part not in my life but I am starting to realise it never goes away or judged buy every move or thing I do that day. I am not sure if anyone could relate or if it just messed up in the head or a bit of both.

trusting

Why is it hard to trust people I feel like every time I do, it hurts so I gust keep myself on my own these days. I have this my best friend and last night we had a massive argument and I can’t remember what it was all about.

Its weird I have all these emotions all at once and I black out.can’t remember that main feeling I felt in the first place or the reason why the argument started in the first place. I just can’t help and feel like I mess up everything but one positive thing came I didn’t self-harm as I was in the argument and I dealt with it ok I guess. Anyway back to the argument I finally realised it was just my friend was worried about me and I was maybe a bit stubborn. So the lesson I learned today is never too quick to judge a situation deferntly if the one person you rely on and trust better then anyone in the world won’t push you in a front of a bus they say something before they do lol…