hi I haven’t been on at ages, it has been one feck of a month. my sister is in prosion for 6 months and somehow I think its my fault I didn’t protect her like an older sister should have and I just feel like I let her down also my grandad just his copd is getting worse and I work know but that makes me feel bad because I should be looking after him and I feel selfish for having my time when out and about also I just feel what if this be his last Christmas with use then I wont have the person I care about the most how gives me a porpoise to be around . So yh its been really bad for my bpd is playing up I hate eating it makes me feel sick and I hate who I am and what I look like I wish I could be pretty but I need more then luck or money to even look half dissent if you know what I mean. P.s my nan brock her wrist and I wish I could make her feel better but I can’t at the moment I cant seem to do anything right atm I wish I could be a better person, one that does not hate everything about myself I feel like its my fault nan is in pain because I think if I didn’t ask her to come to church with me at night she wouldn’t have fell other. Yes I know the would doesn’t work like that and I don’t control life or bring negativity or bad luck its just one of those things you cant control but I still wonder what if. I hope everyone is enjoying Christmas shopping or just celebrating in whatever I hope you all is well?
Tag: mind
Dear brain;
dear brain;
Why can’t you work like a normal brain, why do you make me feel like it’s my fault or I am a failure all the time? I have been here for 23 years and yet I don’t know why I am still here or gone I hate my life at times I don’t know when I am happy I feel guilty but when I am sad it is normal, you see my dad left when I was born and my mum meet a new man and moved in with him he always attack us if we did something he didn’t like but its okay know after a year me and my sister moved in with grandad and it was okay until his new wife and him got separated and left with her two children but I am now 23 years old and still close with grandad and that but I mostly keep myself to myself which is not bad but I prefer it to hang out with people so I don’t let them in or really trust many people these days. When all you want is to let people in and not to treat people rubbish and to not push everyone away who I would like to stay…
Note from when I was in the hospital:
I won’t tell you that self-harming is wrong or that you are being selfish, stupid or even bad because you are none of those things people say you are, you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know yet sometimes I don’t recognise to the person I see in the mirror.
Someone that wakes up every day and wears a fake smile eve knows all you want to do is break down in tears. P.s. this is an illness called borderline personality disorder it’s not what makes you-you make you not the illness and it will get better in time, it might not feel it at the time but one day you be happy and I mean really happy that you didn’t hurt yourself because you might have a family that loves you for you or married or pass college, education or driving.or even learning to love yourself and treating yourself as an imported person that deserves love like evey other being on the planit.
I have been told one day of happy bets ten days of sadness and I want you to promise me, that one day to keep a picture of one thing that makes you happy and we can look at it in the future when its hard to handle and know that its only a blip and one day you e happy again. And I will always be proud of you.
Your Sincerely, someone you know?
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