Dear brain;

dear brain;
Why can’t you work like a normal brain, why do you make me feel like it’s my fault or I am a failure all the time? I have been here for 23 years and yet I don’t know why I am still here or gone I hate my life at times I don’t know when I am happy I feel guilty but when I am sad it is normal, you see my dad left when I was born and my mum meet a new man and moved in with him he always attack us if we did something he didn’t like but its okay know after a year me and my sister moved in with grandad and it was okay until his new wife and him got separated and left with her two children but I am now 23 years old and still close with grandad and that but I mostly keep myself to myself which is not bad but I prefer it to hang out with people so I don’t let them in or really trust many people these days. When all you want is to let people in and not to treat people rubbish and to not push everyone away who I would like to stay…

Note from when I was in the hospital:
I won’t tell you that self-harming is wrong or that you are being selfish, stupid or even bad because you are none of those things people say you are, you are one of the bravest and strongest people I know yet sometimes I don’t recognise to the person I see in the mirror.
Someone that wakes up every day and wears a fake smile eve knows all you want to do is break down in tears. P.s. this is an illness called borderline personality disorder it’s not what makes you-you make you not the illness and it will get better in time, it might not feel it at the time but one day you be happy and I mean really happy that you didn’t hurt yourself because you might have a family that loves you for you or married or pass college, education or driving.or even learning to love yourself and treating yourself as an imported person that deserves love like evey other being on the planit.
I have been told one day of happy bets ten days of sadness and I want you to promise me, that one day to keep a picture of one thing that makes you happy and we can look at it in the future when its hard to handle and know that its only a blip and one day you e happy again. And I will always be proud of you.

Your Sincerely, someone you know?

In a life with BPD

Hey my laptop is kinda broken the keyboard keys are on with bluetack with is the story of life slowly breaking into pieces. It has been a long week but soon the weekend as I do nothing apart from staying I and watching Netflix, but today t work it was ok for a small period I felt important and needed and I was happy, my therapist thinking of discharging me and I am not sure how I feel I am worried that once they do people think I am better or fixed but I know I am not every day is a new day and different challenges like right know I am writing this in the dark because I was fed up with the lightbolb. Allso, I woke up with a bruise on my arm from having another night terror which I don’t remember having but grandad said he heard me shouting and moving around he apparently shouted but I did not reply so he know I was having another one and left me alone till I snapped out of it. I wish I know how to stop them forever but they say it not that easy. do you ever have moments when you hate yourself everything about you makes you feel sick but then one day it is rear but I think to myself I am ok, not perfect but okay and I like to say even know its really hard but just write three things you did or what you felt positive during the day because even if you or others by its silly the simple stuff like getting up, eating or bathing or even going outside are little things but turn into one big thing at the end of the week and when you write it down you can look at it whenever and you could see even when its hard you did something positive. Remember if you won’t you could talk to me and we could help each other because even know I am okay today I know maybe tomorrow won’t be so lucky but remember everyone is beautiful and smart in every way possible and I am here if you would like me to be?

judging

Have you ever wondered what happens to you once you pass away or if anyone would care if you wee here or not?
But I wasn’t sure what to say but here we go a quote I have liked lately, Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage by Nicholas Murray Butler. As I said this has made me think about how we never believe in ourselves and want to be like other people in a world with internet and television and this design you have to be perfect everyday like if you wear makeup you look trashy or is you wear none then they think you are depressed and don’t care about yourself, tight clothes means your a slat or unfitting clothes mean you are gay or trans or fat because it means you eat to mush or skinny because that means you don’t eat at all and etc. Why should it be like this, we should feel pressured to do something just because the world tells you to be that way.
I think if we are happy and healthy why should it matter what we look like or act, so just be yourself because that what hames you a great person and beautiful as well because we all are in our own way. I am one of these people who do this judging myself and others so i should take this advise and make myself a better a person for my friends and family.