In a life with BPD

Hey my laptop is kinda broken the keyboard keys are on with bluetack with is the story of life slowly breaking into pieces. It has been a long week but soon the weekend as I do nothing apart from staying I and watching Netflix, but today t work it was ok for a small period I felt important and needed and I was happy, my therapist thinking of discharging me and I am not sure how I feel I am worried that once they do people think I am better or fixed but I know I am not every day is a new day and different challenges like right know I am writing this in the dark because I was fed up with the lightbolb. Allso, I woke up with a bruise on my arm from having another night terror which I don’t remember having but grandad said he heard me shouting and moving around he apparently shouted but I did not reply so he know I was having another one and left me alone till I snapped out of it. I wish I know how to stop them forever but they say it not that easy. do you ever have moments when you hate yourself everything about you makes you feel sick but then one day it is rear but I think to myself I am ok, not perfect but okay and I like to say even know its really hard but just write three things you did or what you felt positive during the day because even if you or others by its silly the simple stuff like getting up, eating or bathing or even going outside are little things but turn into one big thing at the end of the week and when you write it down you can look at it whenever and you could see even when its hard you did something positive. Remember if you won’t you could talk to me and we could help each other because even know I am okay today I know maybe tomorrow won’t be so lucky but remember everyone is beautiful and smart in every way possible and I am here if you would like me to be?

food

Hey, I had therapy yesterday so this is late, but she is trying to encourage me with my health inside and out. she told me to write three things I have done that day, so I know even if its a mall thing I still achieved it. also, it has been a month since I last self-harmed and got help for my eating disorder which they could be linked with my bpd, but yesterday was a difficult day at work, I was on my lunch back hoping no one would see me or come in but five minutes into eating they came in and saw me eating and yes my anxiety kicked me in the face and all a sounder I was eating slower and left it till they left again because I felt bad for eating and I don’t know why?
one day I hope it goes away and I could be seen to myself normal and feeling okay to eat again.

work

Why, is it whenever I have an anxiety attack I forget all about it in ten minutes. this is abit random and not on my topic but I am thinking there will be a storm later in the UK. Anyway, I just came out of the hospital in June, I have just started working in the YMCA cafe there buy.
My manager was asking me how they know what the signs when I have an anxiety episode when they were asking me, and all my head was telling me is it real, imagery or they just asking so they could get rid of me but try not to hurt my feeling. I hate that I can’t trust or rely on people or let them in I feel so useless that it can’t do the most simple tasks that everyone does is letting people in and trusting the right kind of people. Also, I hate explaining myself for that reason and I just want that part not in my life but I am starting to realise it never goes away or judged buy every move or thing I do that day. I am not sure if anyone could relate or if it just messed up in the head or a bit of both.

this is me …

Hey it’s me, anyway, I just wanted to interduce my self but I don’t know if anyone is seeing this but I am Victoria but everyone calls me Vicky. I m 23 years old and a full-time carer for my grandad whilst studying in childcare, in my spare time I also volunteer in a cafe thereby and see my friends and family.
you think I am your everyday young adult but I have been diagnosed with my vane closing up slowly and I have a learning condition called global delay and dyslexia and just a year ago got diagnosed with a personality disorder or short term is bpd.

so for the next year i am going to wright eaveryday the high the lows, the beauty and gust the ugly and we can do this together noone should be on there own, so if you need someone to talk to i can be there if you like?