In a life with BPD

Hey my laptop is kinda broken the keyboard keys are on with bluetack with is the story of life slowly breaking into pieces. It has been a long week but soon the weekend as I do nothing apart from staying I and watching Netflix, but today t work it was ok for a small period I felt important and needed and I was happy, my therapist thinking of discharging me and I am not sure how I feel I am worried that once they do people think I am better or fixed but I know I am not every day is a new day and different challenges like right know I am writing this in the dark because I was fed up with the lightbolb. Allso, I woke up with a bruise on my arm from having another night terror which I don’t remember having but grandad said he heard me shouting and moving around he apparently shouted but I did not reply so he know I was having another one and left me alone till I snapped out of it. I wish I know how to stop them forever but they say it not that easy. do you ever have moments when you hate yourself everything about you makes you feel sick but then one day it is rear but I think to myself I am ok, not perfect but okay and I like to say even know its really hard but just write three things you did or what you felt positive during the day because even if you or others by its silly the simple stuff like getting up, eating or bathing or even going outside are little things but turn into one big thing at the end of the week and when you write it down you can look at it whenever and you could see even when its hard you did something positive. Remember if you won’t you could talk to me and we could help each other because even know I am okay today I know maybe tomorrow won’t be so lucky but remember everyone is beautiful and smart in every way possible and I am here if you would like me to be?

food

Hey, I had therapy yesterday so this is late, but she is trying to encourage me with my health inside and out. she told me to write three things I have done that day, so I know even if its a mall thing I still achieved it. also, it has been a month since I last self-harmed and got help for my eating disorder which they could be linked with my bpd, but yesterday was a difficult day at work, I was on my lunch back hoping no one would see me or come in but five minutes into eating they came in and saw me eating and yes my anxiety kicked me in the face and all a sounder I was eating slower and left it till they left again because I felt bad for eating and I don’t know why?
one day I hope it goes away and I could be seen to myself normal and feeling okay to eat again.

Family

Hey, today was a good day I went to Chatham for the first time in ages with my nan. My world was shocked, Chatham had a huge Poundland, Wilkos and Primark at so point I lost my nan but I found her in the end, we also had lunch in this cafe and the staff was so not chatty and they didn’t really have a lot from the menu so that was a pain at least the company was good ( I love my nan to pieces).

this morning I had my one to one councilling and well it was ok, we spoke about things to help with my anxiety and to help with my self-esteem so I could eat without worrying about not panicking about if I am doing fine with myself or others what they are thinking, so hopefully I can go out with a family meal and not cancel coz my anxiety won’t play up. I know it won’t go away straight away but with things, in place, I could control it better an maybe meet nr right lol. Grandad is ill today he has been in bed most of the time I been home but just doing his dinner in a bit steak back and veg tonight, he has C.O.P.D so he struggles with breathing sometimes he has good days and some are bad like use all buy we look after each other so today is grandad day to be looked ather i hate that we live there the motorway because the polotion makes it worser for him. i hate seing him strugle to beave somtimes or when all he does is cough but nothing comes up i wish i could help and not just by loooking afther him but to make him feel more conferble its been almost a yearhe came out of hospital because of his C.O.P.D i hoping he wont be in there this year but if he is we could cope we alway do?